Friday, 17 September 2010

The Crown Jewels Part V: A Chromosexual and a Pearl Necklace

And now ... the conclusion.

Bash Helmet BashHelmet @FlickFaster Right! Let's burst in...NOW!

FlickFaster @BashHelmet It's Belle End and Tess Tease!

Bash Helmet ... and The Handler! You didn't sniff HIM out, Flick.

Flick Faster Sorry Bash. I've only got a nose for ho's! Guys just don't register!

Belle End IsaBelleEnd @FlickFaster Well, well, well – Flick Faster! About time your skinny ass showed up! We've been waitin' in this poop hole for you, girl!

Flick Faster Waiting to unleash some dastardly death trap on me, no doubt.

Belle End Hell, no! Tess and me need you and the Chromosexual over there to get us back to the USA!

Bash Helmet Chromosexual ?!?!?

Flick Faster You girls just STOLE THE CROWN JEWELS! The only place you're going is prison.

Tess Tease TessTease We haven't stolen any jewels, sugar!

Bash Helmet Tess, you're wearing them – tiaras, crowns, brooches and a glistening pearl necklace!

Belle End They ain't real, Helmet! They're all fake!

Bash Helmet WHAT?! Hmmm. Okay, on closer inspection I agree - they're not real. So where'd you stash the genuine items?

Tess Tease Oh PLEASE! We don't do counterfeiting. We only do snatches.

Flick Faster I can vouch for that!

Belle End Don't you geddit? These ARE the Crown Jewels we took from the Tower. The royals don't put out the good stuff.

Bash Helmet You're saying that Britain's monarchy displays FAKE jewellery? Why? And what's that got to do with you hiding in the sewers?

Tess Tease They're after us!

Flick Faster You mean all the other supervillains in London? We know – we bumped into Butterfingers!

Belle End Nah, not them. It's the Royal Family we're worried about! They know WE know the truth ...

Tess Tease And they have people out to silence us!

Bash Helmet Oh come on! That's a bit far-fetched!

Belle End Oh yeah? Tell that to Laydee Diana, Tin-head! If it weren't for Bedageezer lettin' us hole up here, we'd be pushin' up daisies right now!

Flick Faster Ah – I remember pushing up a Daisy once. She ...

Bash Helmet Ahem. If this is true, what have the Royals done with the genuine jewels?

Tess Tease Bedageezer told us that it's one of the princes who's responsible! He likes to put on the Queen's dresses and the REAL jewels and parade around Buckingham Palace.

Flick Faster You're joking! Who does he think he is - Queen Victor/Victoria?

Bash Helmet Actually, now this story is beginning to sound a little more believable.

Flick Faster So which prince is it?

Bash Helmet Isn't it obvious? It's Prince ...

Belle End Hey! Time for shit-chat on the plane! LET'S GO!! I'm sick of the stench of these tunnels!

Bash Helmet First, we'll return this fake jewellery to the Tower and then you can hitch a ride with us back to the States.

Tess Tease Hey, Flick. If you ever get tired of hanging out with tall, dark and blandsome, look us up, ok?

Flick Faster Thanks for the offer, Tess, but I've seen too many of my superhero friends enter the dark side. It's not pretty!

Bash Helmet You're right there. Even those who have managed to pull themselves out usually find that something nasty sticks with them.

Flick Faster Why don't you girls switch sides? Try life on the straight and narrow.

Belle End Hell NO! I ain't ever goin' straight!

Bash Helmet And on that, we all agree!

Thursday, 16 September 2010

The Crown Jewels Part IV: In The Manhole

Hot on the tails of Belle End and Tess Tease, our superheroes suspect they're being aided by that Dickensian devil, Bedageezer Scrooge ...

Flick Faster FlickFaster @BashHelmet So where do we find Bedageezer?

Bash Helmet BashHelmet @FlickFaster Look down - what's between my legs, Flick?

Flick Faster Just a dirty manhole, Bash.

Bash Helmet Exactly – Bedageezer lives beneath the streets of London in the sewage tunnels.

Flick Faster Really?! But I always believed he was the richest man in England!

Bash Helmet He is! There's affluence in effluence, Flick!

Flick Faster Let me uncover the manhole...PHEW! It stinks down there!

Bash Helmet Trust me, you get used to the smell. Right, follow me in ...

Flick Faster Bash, up ahead - there's a large group of tramps. Those filthy men are coming right at us!

Bash Helmet They're Bedageezer's bodyguards. You keep going while I draw them away.

Flick Faster How do you know they'll follow you and not me?

Bash Helmet Because Bedageezer only uses men who are down and out!

Bash Helmet Don't worry, I'll lose them in the lower tunnels.

Flick Faster I'll carry on searching along here and work my way from the top down.

Bash Helmet And I'll go bottom up.

Later ...

Flick Faster It's been ages since Bash and I split up. I'm not worried - he'll make mincing meat out of those gay tramps if they catch him!

Bash Helmet Flick? Is that you? It's Bash – I need a little help here...

Flick Faster (Gasp!) How did you get stuck beneath that huge ceramic block? And what are those tubes going into it?

Bash Helmet I fell into this classic Bedageezer Scrooge trap! Those tubes are connected to urinals around Central London.
As people use them, this block fills up and lowers down on me ...

Flick Faster ... until you're crushed! Talk about peer pressure!

Bash Helmet Quite! Can you pull me out from under here...(Ugnff) Thanks!

Flick Faster You're welcome!

Bash Helmet Did you come across any boobytraps?

Flick Faster Well, I nearly snagged one on a rusty nail but other than that, no.

Bash Helmet This final tunnel must lead to Scrooge's lair. Follow me ...

Flick Faster Bash, wait! Something smells fishy!

Bash Helmet You suspect an ambush?

Flick Faster Well (sniff)'s definitely bush...(sniff) ...

Flick Faster ... a faint odour of hormones and sweat coming from behind that door...(sniff) there are two women in there.

Bash Helmet Right! Let's burst in...NOW!