And now ... the conclusion.
BashHelmet @FlickFaster Right! Let's burst in...NOW!
FlickFaster @BashHelmet It's Belle End and Tess Tease!
... and The Handler! You didn't sniff HIM out, Flick.
Sorry Bash. I've only got a nose for ho's! Guys just don't register!
IsaBelleEnd @FlickFaster Well, well, well – Flick Faster! About time your skinny ass showed up! We've been waitin' in this poop hole for you, girl!
Waiting to unleash some dastardly death trap on me, no doubt.
Hell, no! Tess and me need you and the Chromosexual over there to get us back to the USA!
Chromosexual ?!?!?
You girls just STOLE THE CROWN JEWELS! The only place you're going is prison.
TessTease We haven't stolen any jewels, sugar!
Tess, you're wearing them – tiaras, crowns, brooches and a glistening pearl necklace!
They ain't real, Helmet! They're all fake!
WHAT?! Hmmm. Okay, on closer inspection I agree - they're not real. So where'd you stash the genuine items?
Oh PLEASE! We don't do counterfeiting. We only do snatches.
I can vouch for that!
Don't you geddit? These ARE the Crown Jewels we took from the Tower. The royals don't put out the good stuff.
You're saying that Britain's monarchy displays FAKE jewellery? Why? And what's that got to do with you hiding in the sewers?
They're after us!
You mean all the other supervillains in London? We know – we bumped into Butterfingers!
Nah, not them. It's the Royal Family we're worried about! They know WE know the truth ...
And they have people out to silence us!
Oh come on! That's a bit far-fetched!
Oh yeah? Tell that to Laydee Diana, Tin-head! If it weren't for Bedageezer lettin' us hole up here, we'd be pushin' up daisies right now!
Ah – I remember pushing up a Daisy once. She ...
Ahem. If this is true, what have the Royals done with the genuine jewels?
Bedageezer told us that it's one of the princes who's responsible! He likes to put on the Queen's dresses and the REAL jewels and parade around Buckingham Palace.
You're joking! Who does he think he is - Queen Victor/Victoria?
Actually, now this story is beginning to sound a little more believable.
So which prince is it?
Isn't it obvious? It's Prince ...
Hey! Time for shit-chat on the plane! LET'S GO!! I'm sick of the stench of these tunnels!
First, we'll return this fake jewellery to the Tower and then you can hitch a ride with us back to the States.
Hey, Flick. If you ever get tired of hanging out with tall, dark and blandsome, look us up, ok?
Thanks for the offer, Tess, but I've seen too many of my superhero friends enter the dark side. It's not pretty!
You're right there. Even those who have managed to pull themselves out usually find that something nasty sticks with them.
Why don't you girls switch sides? Try life on the straight and narrow.
Hell NO! I ain't ever goin' straight!
And on that, we all agree!
The Tweetventures of Bash Helmet & Flick Faster
Friday 17 September 2010
Thursday 16 September 2010
The Crown Jewels Part IV: In The Manhole
Hot on the tails of Belle End and Tess Tease, our superheroes suspect they're being aided by that Dickensian devil, Bedageezer Scrooge ...
FlickFaster @BashHelmet So where do we find Bedageezer?
BashHelmet @FlickFaster Look down - what's between my legs, Flick?
Just a dirty manhole, Bash.
Exactly – Bedageezer lives beneath the streets of London in the sewage tunnels.
Really?! But I always believed he was the richest man in England!
He is! There's affluence in effluence, Flick!
Let me uncover the manhole...PHEW! It stinks down there!
Trust me, you get used to the smell. Right, follow me in ...
Bash, up ahead - there's a large group of tramps. Those filthy men are coming right at us!
They're Bedageezer's bodyguards. You keep going while I draw them away.
How do you know they'll follow you and not me?
Because Bedageezer only uses men who are down and out!
Don't worry, I'll lose them in the lower tunnels.
I'll carry on searching along here and work my way from the top down.
And I'll go bottom up.
Later ...
It's been ages since Bash and I split up. I'm not worried - he'll make mincing meat out of those gay tramps if they catch him!
Flick? Is that you? It's Bash – I need a little help here...
(Gasp!) How did you get stuck beneath that huge ceramic block? And what are those tubes going into it?
I fell into this classic Bedageezer Scrooge trap! Those tubes are connected to urinals around Central London.
As people use them, this block fills up and lowers down on me ...
... until you're crushed! Talk about peer pressure!
Quite! Can you pull me out from under here...(Ugnff) Thanks!
You're welcome!
Did you come across any boobytraps?
Well, I nearly snagged one on a rusty nail but other than that, no.
This final tunnel must lead to Scrooge's lair. Follow me ...
Bash, wait! Something smells fishy!
You suspect an ambush?
Well (sniff) ...it's definitely bush...(sniff) ...
... a faint odour of hormones and sweat coming from behind that door...(sniff) there are two women in there.
Right! Let's burst in...NOW!
FlickFaster @BashHelmet So where do we find Bedageezer?
BashHelmet @FlickFaster Look down - what's between my legs, Flick?
Just a dirty manhole, Bash.
Exactly – Bedageezer lives beneath the streets of London in the sewage tunnels.
Really?! But I always believed he was the richest man in England!
He is! There's affluence in effluence, Flick!
Let me uncover the manhole...PHEW! It stinks down there!
Trust me, you get used to the smell. Right, follow me in ...
Bash, up ahead - there's a large group of tramps. Those filthy men are coming right at us!
They're Bedageezer's bodyguards. You keep going while I draw them away.
How do you know they'll follow you and not me?
Because Bedageezer only uses men who are down and out!
Don't worry, I'll lose them in the lower tunnels.
I'll carry on searching along here and work my way from the top down.
And I'll go bottom up.
Later ...
It's been ages since Bash and I split up. I'm not worried - he'll make mincing meat out of those gay tramps if they catch him!
Flick? Is that you? It's Bash – I need a little help here...
(Gasp!) How did you get stuck beneath that huge ceramic block? And what are those tubes going into it?
I fell into this classic Bedageezer Scrooge trap! Those tubes are connected to urinals around Central London.
As people use them, this block fills up and lowers down on me ...
... until you're crushed! Talk about peer pressure!
Quite! Can you pull me out from under here...(Ugnff) Thanks!
You're welcome!
Did you come across any boobytraps?
Well, I nearly snagged one on a rusty nail but other than that, no.
This final tunnel must lead to Scrooge's lair. Follow me ...
Bash, wait! Something smells fishy!
You suspect an ambush?
Well (sniff) ...it's definitely bush...(sniff) ...
... a faint odour of hormones and sweat coming from behind that door...(sniff) there are two women in there.
Right! Let's burst in...NOW!
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